Level One: The Trailer Park
The game begins as your character awakes in the back of what appears to be a short wheel-base transit van. You must get your character washed, fed and dressed. Earn XP (Experience Points) as you go. Search for the key code to the toilet block before the time runs out (and you soil yourself). Exit the Trailer Park without getting mocked by kids for an XP bonus.
Level Two: Escape the Island
Do you use the railway bridge or the interstate? There are a multitude of pedestrian crossing power-ups to be found between you and your destination. The puzzle is which ones to use to get to the pedestrian bridge. But where is it? Behind the drive-thru McDonald's? No. Through the grotty underpass? Wrong again. Keep looking!
Level Three: Cross the Columbia River*
You made it to the pedestrian crossing [SPOILER ALERT] on the interstate road bridge. [END SPOILER] You must make it to the other side. Think 80's classic 'Frogger', but obstacles are comprised entirely of pollution:
>Grit thrown into your eyes from under the tyres of the passing traffic (you left your sunglasses power-up in California, so your only eye protection is instinct).
>Noise pollution peaking at permanent-damage-levels of decibels (you do have the ipod/headphone items - using them protects you from the noise pollution, but also makes you vulnerable to cyclist knock-downs).
>Petrol fumes (your only defence is to not breathe). (For the duration of the seven-minute crossing.)
Bonus Level.
Your character, having exited level three with streaming eyes, nausea and an asthmatic relapse, has to negotiate crossing an interstate slip road on foot. On a blind corner. With no pedestrian crossing power-ups.
Level 4: Board the Metro Train
Another puzzler, this level involves using the ticket machine to choose each type of ticket in turn, until you are sure which one you actually want to spend your hard-earned XP on. By doing so, the metro will tantalizingly open its doors for you, then shut them just as you are about to board. The game forces you to take a fifteen minute break at this point, to avoid eye strain.
Following the break, the level changes to a role-playing adventure. You meet The Driver, who tells you which of the two trains waiting at the station leaves next. You know there is someone sat on the wrong train. Do you:
>Leave them, they'll work it out themselves eventually; or
>Tell them, its good for the soul, and your XP.
XP banked (or otherwise), you make your way to the next platform and wait patiently by the metro doors. Which don't open. Then the train leaves.
Take another fifteen minute break.
Sexy cutscene.
Sit back and watch as the metro rolls through the beautiful panorama of the city, to your destination.
Level Five: Meth-fuelled Hobogeddon**
Defend the vegan café from seemingly endless waves of attack by crystal-meth crazed hobos. Use whatever means possible to keep the tips jar from getting snatched. Chick Pea ammunition is readily available.
Level Six: Storm the Castle, Rescue the Princess
You've made it to the centre of the city. Find the Visitor Information Office and use your XP to buy a map. Navigate to the castle and liberate the beautiful princess from the evil clutches of the Nasty Villain.
As it happens, the castle is a shopping centre, the princess is a shiny new ipad, and the Nasty Villain is the quite-nice-guy that served you. And was actually quite happy to let you have the ipad, once you had given him quite a lot of money. Although quite a lot less money than you would have had to give to one of his contemporaries in the UK. Because Oregon doesn't have Sales Tax.
Yeah I bought an ipad.
Game Over.
*Level design influenced by real-life events in the city of Portland - click here for reference.
**Level design influenced by real-life events in the city of Portland - click here for reference.
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